Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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