so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
