ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
