life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
