Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
