At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
