So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
