if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
