Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You are the jesus of drinking
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
