My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
