I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
