Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
