Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
