So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
