blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
