last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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