what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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