Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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