my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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