take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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