My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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