his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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