if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I understand Curling. That high.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
