How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
FUCK WHALES
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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