Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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