Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
