Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
