oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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