Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
what day is it and did you see me today?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
