Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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