I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
