I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
