i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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