C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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