I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
