i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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