The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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