in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
