I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
