I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
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I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
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The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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