You just made me feel so damn special
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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