I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
