I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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