FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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