Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
