remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
he puts the penis in happiness.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Randomize
