Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
