I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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