Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
