if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
