God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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