Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
