I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
