Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
