I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
We need to get me chipped asap
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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